This post is for everyone who has been anxiously emailing me with millions of questions regarding “My First Post” and other posts I have made. I enjoy personally writing back and forth with you all as we share and learn about the hardships and struggles we have been through and are currently suffering through.
Your words of wisdom have enlightened me as I am now trying my best expanding my mind and seeing the world differently. I have been trying to “Fake it until you make it”, but this fake smile can no longer hide the sins of my past, the current state of depression, and the future inevitable doom that awaits me.
Like with most people I guess I am better at giving helpful advice to others than to myself.
“Stay positive” “Hang in there” “Don’t give up” “You got this” :Smiley Face:
Have you ever felt so comfortable – so at ease in your state of depression that it no longer felt depressing anymore? So used to the darkness in your life that the light outside seems to almost burn your skin as if you were a vampire? As this very long and cold winter is coming to an abrupt stop I fear for my own safety as I race towards the shadows to hide from the sun.
It seems no matter what attempts I make to trick my thought process it always ends the same. My duration of happiness may have lasted about a week… one hasty week until the withdrawal systems suddenly sneaked their way back into my subconscious.
It’s as if happiness is a drug to me. Yes indeed I’ll be higher than a kite as I gallop and dance through life, however that high can only last so long before I ultimately hit rock bottom again.
Feel free to judge me however which way that suits your fancy. Anyone can simply Google depression and cutting and find tons of information that many believe to be true. Only those who truly suffer know the real truth. The truth that some PhD grad from Harvard will never be able to truly understand. The millions of reasons they believe we are depressed, why some of us so bravely or cowardly choose self-injurious behaviors. Psychiatrist believe they know it all and diagnose us with this and that shoving pills after pills down our throats to cure us.
“Oh, the pills aren’t working… how about we up your dose.”
“Wait, that still isn’t working… how about we give you completely different pills that do the exact opposite of the previous ones. Trust me… I’m a psychiatrist.”
No, no, no, no and no!
I am not ashamed nor embarrassed of my scars no my past.
My feelings after cutting are not replaced by shame nor guilt.
For attention? bahahahahahahahahaha
I do not hide my behaviors from my peers, parents, or teachers. (Only from employers for obvious reasons. As some of you know I mentioned I got the scars from contracting accidents.)
In today’s society citizens are so swift to slap labels on people and their actions. This person is good or bad. Their actions are good or bad. Because of their actions this person is now good or bad. Oh, you cut yourself? Cutting is bad and therefore makes you a bad person. Label me how you like. I am person and a person nonetheless.
With all of the emotional pain I have suffered through life I have found there is no possible way for me to control it all. It comes quick and with menacing force. I’m reminded of this each night I fall asleep and have the same dream. I’m fishing in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea when suddenly holes begin to form at the bottom my rickety boat causing waves of salted water to rush in. With every hole I cover up another one opens. Drifting, sinking now in the middle of the sea I am helpless. I hear nothing, see nothing, but miles and miles of deep blue sea as far as the eyes can see.
Yes, only a dream… but what happens when you can’t differentiate your dreams from reality? Call me a liar, but there has been several dreams where I have felt pain. True pain. Physical. Emotional. Psychological. But I have never bled. When the shadows ambush and drag me down to the darkest trenches of the core; when the Sun hides behind the other end of the Earth for days, weeks, months; when the only logical explanation for the inconsistencies with life itself is to believe its all a dream… I cut.
The only pain that I can control. The only way I can feel something truly real. The only way to see the life spill out from me staining my carpet red. The only way to counteract the treacherous emotional pain flooding into my life… is to flood it right back out. To be wiped away in thrown into the garbage… Until I fill up again.
Ridding myself of poisons so I can finally live with a sense of relief and happiness… for only… a moment…
– Derek Ferguson
P.S. Apologies for not replying sooner to you all as I’ve been confined to the comfort of my beloved bed as of late. I guess it’s taking me a while to adapt to the Spring weather springing upon us. Also for those that asked I am a Libra born October 7th, 1990. Autumn is my favorite season and then Winter… and then Autumn again. Please continue to write me, whether it be comments on my posts or direct emails. Besides work it is something that gets me out of the bed and I truly appreciate it. Take care and best wishes to you all.
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